General American Customs

It is very difficult to define a general "American culture." Different situations require different responses, and different people (often from different ethnic, religious, and regional backgrounds) have different values.

Basic American Info.  America is probably most often generalized as a society of individuals.  We are taught from a very young age to think for ourselves, to form and express opinions, and to do things without help.  Many Americans dislike being dependent on others, and will go to great lengths to proclaim their independence. Americans will also be very aware of their individual rights, especially free speech. It is sometimes very difficult for international students to accept that people in the United States can say anything, even if it is derogatory or disrespectful. There is, theoretically, a good deal of tolerance for differences of individual opinion and respect for the ideas of others.

Invitations. Invitations to small, informal events such as dinner with your friends, can be extended over the telephone, e-mail or in person.  It is always a good idea to call before going to someone's home for a visit.  For large informal events or for formal occasions, written or printed invitations usually come in the mail in advance. If the invitation states "RSVP," you must contact the host as indicated on the invitation to accept or decline.  Sometimes, you will see "regrets only" at the bottom; this means that you should only call if you cannot go to the party.  You should also ask your host or hostess if there is anything you can bring, especially if you are being invited for a meal. It is important to actually attend whenever you accept an invitation you attend, as the person who invited you, whether a friend, your host family, or any other host or hostess, is expecting you. If you cannot go, be sure to give as much advance notice as possible. Also, if you are running late more than 15 minutes, you should let the host or hostess know what time you expect to arrive.

You should arrive for an invitation to a meal at the exact time specified, or five to ten minutes early. If the invitation is for a reception or party, you should arrive at any time between the hours specified. You should arrive for events like marriages, concerts, etc., a few minutes before they start so that you can be seated. It is considered rude by Americans to show up late to any occasion to which you have been invited.

If you have been invited to someone's home for a meal, it is considered polite for you to ask if there is anything you can do to help with the preparations or clean-up.  It is important, as well, to know when to leave. After dining, you should generally remain about an hour but this can vary depending on the host, location and other attendees.

You may also be asked to a "potluck." A potluck means that each person (or couple) invited to the party brings a dish to share. It may be specified that you should bring a salad, a dessert, or a main dish. College students often have these kinds of parties. Everyone will bring something to contribute: drinks, chips, paper products (napkins, plates, etc.), and so on. A dish from your country would always be appreciated at a potluck dinner.

Gifts to hosts/hostesses are optional, but are often appreciated the first time you are a guest at a stranger's house. A small, inexpensive gift from your home country is always appreciated. Flowers, a small candle or other such items can also make good, inexpensive gifts to a host. Generally, do not purchase anything expensive, as it is embarrassing to your host.

Introductions. The simplest, most correct form of introduction is to say the name of the older person or person of higher rank first. When introducing a man to a woman, you usually say the woman's name first. "How do you do?" or "Pleased to meet you" are customary responses. Two men almost always shake hands upon first meeting; a man usually does not shake hands with a woman unless she offers her hand first.

Americans tend to use first names more often than other cultures. It is not uncommon for two persons who have just met to use each other's first names. If in doubt with an older person, it is best to wait until he or she asks you to use a first name, or you may ask someone what he or she prefers to be called.

Telephone Etiquette.  When using the telephone, remember that the person on the other end of the line will probably not recognize your voice. Be sure to identify yourself before you start talking, and speak slowly and clearly. If you need to ask the other person on the phone to do so as well, it will not be considered rude.

You should generally call someone at home between 9:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m., and avoid calling during the dinner hours (5:00 - 7:00 p.m. for most people). You should never call early in the morning or late in the evening without asking beforehand if it would be all right.

Status of Women. The United States has made great efforts to equalize the status of men and women in our society. You will find many women in positions of authority. You must give these persons the same respect that you would a man in the same position.

You may also notice many families where both spouses work, and the children are placed in child care during the day. This is very common, as women return to work after the first few years (or even months) of the birth of a child. There are more and more families where the husband will stay at home with the children while the wife works.

Cleanliness. If one quality describes Americans it is probably a high concern for personal cleanliness. We bathe once a day--even more often in the warmer summer months or after exercise, brush our teeth several times a day, wear clean clothes daily and use deodorants (anti-perspirant). Thus, similar behavior is expected of others.  In all honesty, many times Americans will not look beyond your personal cleanliness to discover your real personality, as culturally we consider lack of cleanliness to be offensive. A strong body odor (or excessive cologne/perfume use) will lead Americans to minimize their interactions with you.

Friendship and Dating. Americans tend to be casual and friendly, because the mobile nature of our society lends itself to the formation of quick, transient relationships. The casualness of friendship patterns allows people to move freely from group to group and have many different "kinds" of friends. For example, an American may have friends from work, friends from school, and friends they know from an outside interest like tennis or knitting.  All of these are separate groups of friends, and each group has its own similarities. An American can, therefore, tell you that he has many friends, but this does not imply that they are all close, personal relationships.

Close friendships in this country do not happen immediately and take some time to form. People who become close friends generally share common interests and activities. As a general rule, if you are doing something you enjoy, then you will meet others who share the same interests. You will make American friends if you are relaxed and let the friendship develop naturally. A casual discussion does not imply a commitment to further personal friendship.

Americans are curious about many things and may ask you a lot of questions. They do not do this to be rude, but often you may be the first person from a particular country that they have met. They will have stereotypical ideas of your country in the same way that you have ideas of Americans (or those that you had of the U.S. before you came here). These questions might not only lead to the formation of a friendship, but they also give you the opportunity to look at your own culture from an outsider's point of view.

Personal relationships between men and women in the U.S. are as varied as the people involved but take note that they can be complex and difficult to understand. What is proper in one situation is not proper in another. In general, if you ask someone for a date and that person says "no," that is what is truly meant. Do not push for another answer or be persistent. There may be some reason for the denial that is not related to you at all, and you must respect the other person's feelings. Americans value and respect talking honestly and openly about their feelings.

It is also widely acceptable in America for a woman to ask a man out for a date. The same assumptions and behavior patterns apply to this scenario, as they would if a man asked a woman out for a date.

Tipping. When you eat a meal at a restaurant, it is customary to leave money (a "tip") for the waiter or waitress who served you. The amount is generally about 15% of the total bill. It is paid separately and in addition to the check, and is left on the table when you leave or you add it in to the bill if you pay by credit card. Your tip is an expression of your satisfaction with your service; if your service is bad, decrease the amount of the tip or leave none at all. (It is important to remember, however, that waiters and waitresses are paid a smaller salary, and tips are an anticipated part of their income.)

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