Workshops and Outreach Groups

Topics: Conflict Resolution and Anger Management

An interpersonal conflict exists whenever an action by one person prevents, obstructs, or interferes with the actions of another person. The major guideline for communicating anger constructively is to focus the anger on the issues and the impact of the other person’s behavior, not on the other person’s character or personality. However, people do not always know how to resolve conflict effectively (assertively). Below is information on the differences between assertive, aggressive, and passive communication, followed by a quiz to test your knowledge.

Assertiveness involves standing up for one’s rights, and expressing ones’ thoughts and feelings in direct, honest and appropriate ways which do not violate another person’s rights. Acting assertively involves being considerate of others’ feelings without letting others take advantage. Assertive behavior increases the likelihood of getting what you want without feeling guilty, and usually without the other person getting mad (the person may not like what you say, but the relationship will continue). Assertion involves respect for yourself and for the other person (although not necessarily for their behavior), not deference, domination, or degradation (ref?..). Assertion is different than always saying everything you think and feel it involves you making the choice of what to say or not say (you can choose to say nothing and still be assertive). Assertiveness promotes equality in relationships.

Aggressiveness involves standing up for your rights in a way that violates the rights of the other person. The usual goal is domination--forcing the other person to give in. Aggressive tactics include humiliating, accusing, threatening, belittling, and intimidating. A person who acts aggressively may get their way, but usually at the expense of their relationship with the other person. People do not push aggressive people around, but people also do not want to be around them. Aggressive behavior conveys messages such as: This is what I think and you are stupid for thinking differently, or This is what I want/feel, and what you feel/want is not important.

Passivity involves letting others push you around, not standing up for your own thoughts and feelings, letting someone else choose for you/control you. Acting passively involves violating your own rights by not expressing yourself honestly, or by expressing yourself in such an apologetic manner that others can easily disregard your thoughts and feelings. By acting passively you may rarely experience direct rejection, but you may be taken advantage of–-and you may build up anger that can come up indirectly or against yourself. Passive behavior also includes times when you automatically disagree with someone even if you actually do agree. Passive behavior conveys messages such as: “I am not respecting my own needs”, “I don’t count”, or “My thoughts and feelings do not matter”.

• Download the Principles of Conflict Management
• Download the Principles of Anger Management
• Download the Rules for Fair Fighting (for couples)

Examples of Assertive, Aggressive and Passive Behaviors
Here is a quiz on your ability to distinguish between the interpersonal styles described above. The scenarios are adapted from “The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook” (Third Edition, 1988), by Davis, Eshelman, and McKay.

Scene 1
Chris: Is that a dent I see in the car?
Pat: Look, I just got home, it was a horrible day and I don’t want to talk about it now.

Chris: I don’t care--we’re going to talk about it now!
Pat: Have a heart.

Chris:  We need to decide right now who is going to pay to have it fixed, when and where.
Pat: I’ll take care of it. Now leave me alone!

Chris’s behavior is __Aggressive __Passive __Assertive

Scene 2
Chris: You left me so by myself at that party...you were being selfish.
Pat: You were being a party pooper.

Chris: I didn’t know anybody–the least you could have done is introduce me to some of your friends.
Pat: Listen, you’re grown up. You can take care of yourself. I’m tired of your bugging me to take care of you all of the time.

Chris: And I’m tired of your inconsiderateness.
Pat: Okay, I’ll sick to you like glue next time.

Chris’s behavior is __Aggressive __Passive __Assertive

Scene 3
Chris: Would you mind helping me for a minute with this file?
Pat: I’m busy with this report. Catch me later.

Chris: Well, I really hate to bother you, but it’s sort of important.
Pat: Look, I have a four o’clock deadline.

Chris: Okay, I understand. I know it’s hard to be interrupted.

Chris’s behavior is__Aggressive __Passive __Assertive

Scene 4
Chris: I got a letter from Mom this morning. She wants to come and spend two weeks with us. I’d really like to see her.
Pat: Oh no, not your mother! And right on the heels of your sister. When do we get a little time to ourselves?

Chris: Well, I do want her to come, but I know you need to spend some time without in-laws under foot. I’d like to invite her to come in a month, and instead of two weeks, I think one week would be enough. What do you say to that?
Pat: That’s a big relief to me.

Chris’s behavior is__Aggressive __Passive __Assertive

Scene 5
Chris: Wow, you’re looking great today!
Pat: Who do you think you’re kidding? My hair is a mess and my clothes aren’t fit for the Goodwill box.

Chris: Have it your way.
Pat: And I feel just as bad as I look today.

Chris: Right. I’ve got to run now.

Chris’s behavior is __Aggressive __Passive __Assertive

Scene 6
(While at a party, Kelly is telling her friends how much she appreciates her boyfriend taking her out to good restaurants and to the theater. Her friends criticize her for being unliberated.)

Kelly: Not so. I don’t make nearly as much as a teacher as he does as a lawyer. I couldn’t afford to take us both out or pay my own way to all the nice places we go. Some traditions make sense, given the economic realities.

Kelly’s behavior is: __Aggressive __Passive __Assertive

Conclusions
Now that you have labeled Chris and Kelly’s responses as aggressive, passive, or assertive, it may be useful to compare your assessment with ours:

Scene 1	Chris is aggressive. Chris’s initial hostile statement produces resentment and withdrawal.
Scene 2	Chris is aggressive. The tone is accusing and blaming. Pat is immediately placed on the defensive and no one wins.
Scene 3	Chris is passive. Chris’s timid opening line is followed by complete collapse. The file problems must be dealt with alone.
Scene 4	Chris is assertive. The request is specific, non-hostile, open to negotiation and successful.
Scene 5	Chris is passive. Chris allows the compliment to be rebuffed and surrenders to Pat’s rush of negativity.
Scene 6	Kelly is assertive. She stands up to the prevailing opinion of the group and achieves a clear, non-threatening statement of her position.

Building up skills in identifying and managing one’s own anger is an important component of conflict resolution. Information and resources about anger management are listed below:

1. Anger and Aggression, Tom Stevens, Ph.D., California State University, Long Beach.
2. “When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within” (1989); McKay, Rogers, and McKay.
3. “Anger Kills” (Seventeen Strategies for Controlling the Hostility that Can Harm Your Health (1994); Redford Williams, MD & Virginia Williams, Ph.D.
4. “The Dance of Anger” (1985) by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.